It’s a Big Ol’ Lie. Don’t Believe It!

There’s a lie being told to you these days.  It sounds different to different people but it’s a lie, nonetheless.  Almost everyone is telling it and may not even realize they are perpetrating the same lie because it sounds different on different people’s lips and it goes deep.  Very deep.  The lie is attempting to convince us of one thing:  That we are so polarized as a nation right now that nothing is possible.  We can’t talk to one another.  We can’t carry on a civilized discourse.  We can’t, we can’t, we can’t.  The other part of the lie says this:  We should only speak with the people we agree with and we should only listen to those who believe the same things we do.

I actually began to believe this lie myself.  When a dear friend got up and began to walk away from a political conversation he thought he’d had many times before with me, a conversation that by all accounts could have easily gone “as usual,” I almost let the conversation come to its usual abrupt end.  But this time, something inside me woke up.  I noticed my own resignation, disappointment and internal voice saying, “why bother?”  We’ll just agree to disagree.  Isn’t that what most people do nowadays?  Isn’t it considered impolite to talk about sex, politics and religion?  How is it that the things we care about most in life are the things we have socially sworn off limits? What is wrong with this picture?

While it was extremely uncomfortable and emotionally charged, I chose to say something that had been brewing inside me for a long time.  The best part about this interchange is my friend is open and there’s a lot of collateral between us.  One disagreement will not destroy the relationship.  So, I chose to speak up, realizing that I might be at risk of losing the relationship. What came out of my mouth was not particularly graceful or eloquent or “ego-free.”  But the exchange did require me to examine what was really happening here– in my home, in my community and in the nation.

The way I see it, we have been lulled into believing that as a nation we are so polarized, so divided by our language, by our beliefs, by our politics that we can no longer find the middle ground and the civility to examine our definitions, our assumptions and our world views.  We are so inundated by pundits and papers, tweets and posts, blogs and talk radio that we only listen to the experts who validate our points of view.  To a large degree, many would say, “yes, that’s MY experience!”  And this is where our perception becomes our reality.  All the evidence points to a nation divided, a community stalled by seemingly opposing moral foundations.  This is the lie.  This is the illusion.

There’s a larger truth at work here, but it takes courage to bring it forth.  It takes courage to stop the cycle of thinking our broken-in, comfy thoughts and to stop reacting to what’s going on around us as if our problems were actually “out there.”  The opportunity before us is to realize that whatever we experience “out there,” is simply a reflection of what’s going on within us.  Okay, okay, I know that may be asking a lot so let’s start with something smaller.  The first step to take is to recognize that no one is speaking the same language.  We’re navigating our paths with maps designed by our own personal set of assumptions that shape everything we see, hear, feel and experience.   Yes, we may share English as a common language, but we’re not engaged in the same conversation.  We’ve hypnotized ourselves into believing that by using the same words, we’re actually communicating.

The second step is to practice compassion with ourselves when we are triggered by something someone says.  Face it.  Usually we respond by thinking we have to justify and defend our point of view, right?  We love to be right and we’ll go to the ends of the earth to prove that we are.  This more than anything else has cemented this notion in our heads that we are polarized.  But… if we DARE give up our notions of being right, POOF! The polarity disappears!  Get it?

The third step is to acknowledge how resigned you already are.  If you don’t care enough to engage any more, especially with the people who don’t agree with you, you’re resigned.  Let’s instead dare to engage the resignation of polarization.

The fourth step I think is best demonstrated from a quote the real Dalai Lama:

“I must emphasize that merely thinking about compassion and reason and patience will not be enough to develop them. We must wait for difficulties to arise and then attempt to practice them.

And who creates such opportunities? Not our friends, of course, but our enemies. They are the ones who give us the most trouble.

So if we truly wish to learn, we should consider enemies to be our best teachers.

For a person who cherishes compassion and love, the practice of tolerance is essential, and for that, an enemy is indispensable.

So we should feel grateful to our enemies, for it is they who can best help us develop a tranquil mind. Also, it is often the case in both personal and public life, that with a change in circumstances, enemies become friends.

So anger and hatred are our real enemies. These are the forces we most need to confront and defeat, not the temporary enemies who appear intermittently throughout life.”

I think he says it all.  When we take on this practice of compassion, particularly with those who may not appear to align with the fundamental beliefs we hold so dear, the real work begins.  Better yet, the real adventure!  Remember, polarity is an illusion, a lie.  The greater truth is that we can refuse to participate in the attempts made by those who would rather divide us than unite us.  The more workable reality is that we can choose to be curious, examine our own beliefs and look for the common ground in every interaction. The next time you feel yourself closing when views are being expressed that are not your own, I dare you- – make that double dare you– to turn that closing inside out, to unfold into the reality-altering possibility of staying open.

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